The New York Times, November 22nd, 2010
Every other weekend, I drive the 55 miles between Brooklyn and Tinton
Falls, N.J., where my father lives at an assisted living facility called
Renaissance Gardens. Before I can give him a hug, see how he’s feeling
and wheel him out to the car so we can go out for lunch and take care of
his shopping, I pass the “Dearly Departed” table in the corridor
leading to his room.
A frame sits on the table, displaying a face, sometimes smiling and
sometimes not, along with a name, a room number and the date that person
died. Almost always, the face has changed since my last visit.
Death is a constant presence at an assisted living facility, and for
those of us who visit, the memorials and shrines can be a jarring
reminder: This could be my father’s last home. Yet this small
recognition can be crucial for older people, helping them come to terms
with mortality and reassuring them that they play an important role in
the community.
“These people have suffered so many losses: their spouse, siblings,
sometimes their own children, their home, their mobility,” said Lynn
Harper, the chaplain at Renaissance Gardens who tends to the “Dearly
Departed” table. “The losses have come so fast, such an inundation.” The
table helps seniors adapt to death’s frequency, she said.
About 900,000 people call an assisted living facility home, according
to the National Center for Assisted Living. The average stay lasts
about 28 months. More than half of these residents experience declining
health and move into a nursing facility, but a third will die while
still in assisted living.
“A person could be at dinner one night and die in the middle of the
night, and then the room could be empty in the morning,” said Rabbi
James Michaels, director of pastoral care for the Charles E. Smith Life
Communities in Rockville, Md.
As with many other aspects of their lives, assisted living residents
need help with the grieving process. Residents often can’t travel to
funerals or to sit shiva; the rituals and traditions must be brought to them. Rabbi Michaels conducts a couple of in-house memorial services each month.
Senior housing administrators are devoting more attention to
recognizing residents’ deaths, said Donald Schumacher, president and
chief executive of the National Hospice and Palliative Care
Organization. Death may no longer terrify older people the way it once
did, he said, in part because they have more opportunities to discuss
and accept it, especially in housing facilities.
“It helps move away from the notion that these places are just
warehouses for the elderly,” said Dr. Schumacher. “It’s a community, and
the residents contribute in a lot of ways.”
For the most part, families are more than cooperative. But at my
dad’s residence, Ms. Harper said that they may opt not to participate in
the “Dearly Departed” program. A couple of families have even
complained about the table, finding the reminders of death upsetting.
Rabbi Michaels recalled a few families who declined to hold memorial
services for deceased family members, because of the pain and sadness
they associated with the residence. That might be a mistake, he added,
suggesting that people don’t allow themselves the time to grieve these
days. “In long-term care of any nature, people need to know that their
life matters,” said Rabbi Michaels.
At Renaissance Gardens, the pastoral staff holds a collective
memorial service every six months. For residents who have been around a
while, “it gets a little harder to go,” said Ms. Harper. “They think,
‘That could be me next time.’ There is that awareness. But it’s so
meaningful to them, to see the reverence.”
My father’s neighbor Gerald died several months ago. It didn’t come
as a surprise. Gerald, constantly connected to his oxygen tank, didn’t
get around well. I never heard him speak, but he waved at passers-by
from his room, where the door always stood open. Because Gerald couldn’t
hear well, his television always blared the Giants game or “Jeopardy.”
My father requested wireless headphones for Father’s Day.
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